have I reached the bottom yet?

A year ago, I was starting my second year teaching for a school I loved. I felt confident, I felt I had learned a lot my first year and I felt ready.
How do I feel now, a year later?

• Frustrated. I have no job, but I've had interviews. One was awkward and weird, another was a complete mischeduling mess and the third was somewhat okay, but I got the feeling they filled the position before my interview. I heard from someone that one district I had two separate interviews with doesn't even really care about filling open positions because they can save some money by starting off the year with subs, then finding someone later on. W.t.f.
• Regretful. Every day that I've had to wait for phone calls or someone to respond to an email, I've kicked myself multiple times for not doing this, that and the other thing. I figured that these school districts actually wanted me to teach for them because I attended their job fairs and impressed them there. HA! That's funny. Turns out, they're too big and crazy for their own good and I shouldn't have put so much faith in them. I don't know what they pay their HR people for, or even if they have actual human beings working in their HR department, because all I get is voicemail and emails that take about a week or so to get a reply. I also regret not keeping my NPS job just in case. It was crazy to think about while I was happily signing the form saying I was not returning because I was moving, but now I'm kicking myself because at least then, I'd still have a job.
  
• Sad. I miss working where I was working. I liked it there and I didn't want to leave. This morning, I realized that everyone would be going back there to start off the new year, and here I am. Jobless and feeling crappy every day.
• Useless. I don't like not having a job. I don't like waking up every single morning without a schedule, and no end of that in sight. I don't like having to watch every penny we spend just in case it takes me forever and a day to get a job. I don't like having to think about the things we can sell if it takes me even longer to find a job.
• Worthless. I guess that's a word to describe it. Who has three interviews with no takers? Who? Me, that's who. And that is embarrassing. No one wants me to teach for them--what does that say about me? I really do feel like Worst Teacher Ever. It's like those that doubted me are now being proven right. It's like they can see every single one of my failures, everything I don't do perfect. I've been trying to counteract that with the thought that no, I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to try! Really! This whole experience makes me think that maybe I'm not meant to be a teacher. Maybe fate is trying to send me that message. I thought I was pretty good at what I did and was getting better every day. But, again, maybe I was just meant to enjoy those two years and then become like those thousands of other former teachers who quit within their first 5 years.

Whenever I have go through a hard time, I've always tried to remind myself that I go through it for a reason and that I'm supposed to learn something from it that I'll need later. I just don't get it, this time. I try and try to stay positive, and every day something new happens to make it that much harder. I keep telling myself that I haven't found that school yet, either. When I got the call from NPS, I got a feeling that I needed to go to VA and interview with them. When I met everyone there, I knew why I got that feeling. Recently, I haven't gotten any feeling of the sort. My intuition, my gut instinct? Gone. I feel restless, but lazy and tired. I feel frustrated, but I don't care enough anymore to do anything about it. I feel trapped. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and that's the scariest part of all of this.
I've liked Richmond so far, and I really have nothing against it, but I wish we had never moved away from my former job.

snow shows its face in colonialtown

It's snowed a few times this week, but today it's actually snowed for longer than a few minutes and it's stuck to the ground. Last year, I didn't get to see what Virginian students do when they see snow for the first time, this year, I did. It snowed in Norfolk on Tuesday and my kids went berserk. It was pretty funny, except that we then had trouble getting them focused on their mid-term essay again and it made my drive through the bridge-tunnel and slow-going adventure.
Today my sinuses have started draining, so my throat feels nice and scratchy. Thanks, mom, for the Airborne/Walborne lozenges because they are perfect for today. I also woke up feeling kinda bummed. I really have no reason to wake up that way, either. It's a three day weekend before exam week, which means I don't have a lot to prep for. Plus, it's snowing and I don't have any obligation that would force me to do anything but stare at it from my sliding glass door while laying on my couch with our new, Megan-made quilt. Thanks, Megan, for making an amazing quilt that keeps me warm on these days.
And the mood might have to do with the fact we decided to get another cat, found two adorable kittens to choose from, decided on one after waiting a day to make sure we weren't make a rash decision, only to find out that both of the were adopted/in the process of being adopted. Dang, that was quick. Sorry, David.

Let's just blame the bad mood on me reading Jane Eyre. It'll probably pass by tomorrow, just like the snow.

I think school broke me.

During my 7th bell, my back started hurting like it has many times before. A nice, pinched feeling. Usually when this happens, I'm at home and I've been sitting in a certain slouched position for too long. This time, I was at school with over an hour to go. I limped around, tried not to bend and tried to covertly stretch my back. It didn't work. And now I miss a dance class. Which, I guess, is fine because our normal teacher isn't here this week and we do have class on the 21st (NPS has no school on MLK day- the 21st- so I was worried we wouldn't have class, which would mean being 2 weeks without class after a 3 week break.) Add in a bum pinky finger and confused sinuses (from the inconsistent temps both inside and outside the school) and you got a pantsload full of joy.
David blamed it on sitting in pews for Lydia's baptism yesterday. At least we didn't burst into flames as we entered the building (I haven't been to church since I was a kid, I don't know if David has). I could start a whole other entry here about what I thought about during the service, but I'm afraid I might offend people. So, I'll sum up what I'd say in this: It was a beautiful church and service, I enjoyed the general feel of the church and the people there, but I do not at all feel inclined to go to church, nor do I feel guilty that I don't go to church, and I'm pretty content with my own individual spirituality. I have lots more to say, but let's keep that for a more private conversation, eh?

And now, I have a few comments to respond to:
Miguel: Javi is adorable! I am very excited for you. I've seen "Teach Like Your Hair's on Fire", but haven't read it. I'm always a little uncertain about teaching books. They're either too strict, too liberal or very repetitive. But, since you liked it, I'll probably pick it up and give it a chance!

GBPack: Game on. BigPsh will be Trivia Champion!

total bummer and totally awesome

I am totally bummed! I sat down, readied my camera and thought I uploaded all the pictures from the holidays. Nope. I didn't. And I already deleted a few of the originals from the camera. Way to go, me!
So, all of the pictures after Sunday night, including the super nice ones I took of Meg and I out in the snow, are gone. Deleted. And I am bummed and out of time to blog about our quick holidays. Ah well. I still have a few good pictures to show off, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow (I know, I know--tragic. Just try to hold back those tears!).

I was not bummed, however, when I woke up to find the results of the Iowa caucus! Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee?? Really? How exciting! What are all of your thoughts on the outcome? Are you surprised? Or did you think that was going to be the outcome?
Also, I'm sure you've heard of Ron Paul by now. How could you not see some wonderful graffiti or illegal sign stuck somewhere by the side of the road? Ron Paul is... interesting and intriguing. Sort of in a good way, but mostly in a way that really disgusts and disturbs me. For example, he seems to enjoy hanging out with white supremacists. Plus, the many other issues I don't agree with that he's voted on/taken stands on, but don't necessarily have time to sit around the list every single one of them out. It's funny, because he sounds like he has interesting/possibly useful ideas, but I don't quite think he means it the same way I do.
By the way, if you are on the fence, have no clue whose running, or want to make sure your gut feeling is correct, I have two different websites that might help. The first is On the Issues. My students used this one to start off their Presidential research papers and it helped them a lot. You click on their name or picture, up comes every issue and every stand and vote on that issue, broken down into small issues. There is also Project Vote Smart. They have voting records of everyone out there in the political world, which is very useful.