what just happened?

Nothing good ever comes from a week that starts off with an almost fight in your classroom. Never.

Tuesday, my car stopped working. The ignition switch stopped working, has to be replaced and won't be fixed until the middle of this week.

Wednesday was overwhelming because everyone had an opinion on my car, but none of them were the correct one. Shannon saved us by giving us a ride out to the school so we could try something. It didn't end up working, but it did reveal the real problem with the car.

Thursday was a faculty meeting with the addition of a budget of doom meeting. Salaries are getting cut, days off without pay and possible teacher cuts. Geez.

Friday was wrapped up the week with two girls quitting the step team, a long, awkward meeting at the end of a long day and no answer at the car place, which meant no car for the weekend.

In all negatives, there are positives:

+Carpooling with Jen will become more frequent, saving us both miles and gas. I also now have numbers of a few people who will help me get to school and back if I'm ever stranded again.

+Shannon helping us out so much! We couldn't have gotten through this week without her help!

+Lots of laughter, especially from 7th period. Nothing beats a kid waiting for everyone to get back to working, then drop a bomb like "So-n-so picks his zits and then eats them!" into the silence. I laughed so hard I almost cried. Good comedic timing, kid.

+Playing Rock Band and watching Doctor Who

+We are now more serious about looking for a new car. I'm really leaning towards the Ford Fusion or Focus, but it all depends on how it feels when I drive the car.

+I now know who to call if my car ever dies out in the country.

I would usually do the list of books I read this year, but I don't feel like it. I didn't get to 50, but David claims I read more pages than previous years. That may be true.

Yesterday I set up an Amazon wish list for my classroom. I've heard of other teachers doing this and with the school facing another $1.5 million to be cut, I figured it'd be a way I could help cover the supply cost and books for my classroom library (a success, btw). I put a link in the side bar and I'm putting on up on my digital gradebook and classroom website.

I finally uploaded pictures off of my camera AND a few videos from when we first got our Flip camera. They're up on my flickr account.

been one of those weeks...

This week has had amazing days and incredibly irritating days. Today, the amount of grading I have to do, whining I had to listen to about projects and essays and tests, and the amount I feel I haven't accomplished really weighed heavy on me. I had a few moments where I asked myself, "Really? I wanted to be a teacher?". I put so much pressure on myself to accomplish so much and do so much, and always feel like I could do more, that it ends up with days like this. Today, I had to completely reorganize everything on my desk and accomplish small tasks to stop freaking out during my plan period at the end of the day. It worked, though. I'm feeling a lot better and I'm hanging in there-- especially because this weekend is a three day weekend. Phew. Stuff will get done, and I know that, I just allowed myself to get overwhelmed and to give in to all the pressure I put on myself to do a good job.

One thing I've been thinking a lot about this week is the difference between urban and rural schools. Some of the problems and irritations are the same, which makes sense. No matter what, you are teaching teenagers. But there are some differences. I really miss teaching in an more urban school. I don't really know why, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think it comes down to that that environment is what I'm used to, it's what I know, it's what I love, and the rural school just can't quite make it to that level. I have a real love/hate relationship with the rural school I teach at. Some things are great, other things about it are completely mind-boggling and infuriating. Maybe that will change, but as of right now, I don't see that happening.

why Halloween was just okay

I know that most of you that read this have not had the joy or opportunity of being in a room full of teenagers on Halloween, let alone a Halloween on a Friday.
Let me tell you, it can either be incredibly fun or a living hell. I had both yesterday.
The day starts off calm, but then they start eating sugar and more sugar. By the end of the day, they are rabid animals ready to kill you if you don't add to their sugar intake.
Add that in to a variety of ignorant (mostly racist) things coming out of my 10th graders mouths this week and you can maybe understand why my Halloween spirit was killed.
There is a longer post in all of this, but I mostly just wanted to let all of you (all 2 of you!) know that I'm still alive and at some point in time will update you on how this school year is progressing.
Real talk, I feel like I'm in Gorillas in the Mist, studying a species I've never had the chance to meet up close and personal before. I'm not sure if I like it. (BTW, I miss having kids that preface their serious chats with me by saying "Real talk, Mrs. P...")

have I reached the bottom yet?

A year ago, I was starting my second year teaching for a school I loved. I felt confident, I felt I had learned a lot my first year and I felt ready.
How do I feel now, a year later?

• Frustrated. I have no job, but I've had interviews. One was awkward and weird, another was a complete mischeduling mess and the third was somewhat okay, but I got the feeling they filled the position before my interview. I heard from someone that one district I had two separate interviews with doesn't even really care about filling open positions because they can save some money by starting off the year with subs, then finding someone later on. W.t.f.
• Regretful. Every day that I've had to wait for phone calls or someone to respond to an email, I've kicked myself multiple times for not doing this, that and the other thing. I figured that these school districts actually wanted me to teach for them because I attended their job fairs and impressed them there. HA! That's funny. Turns out, they're too big and crazy for their own good and I shouldn't have put so much faith in them. I don't know what they pay their HR people for, or even if they have actual human beings working in their HR department, because all I get is voicemail and emails that take about a week or so to get a reply. I also regret not keeping my NPS job just in case. It was crazy to think about while I was happily signing the form saying I was not returning because I was moving, but now I'm kicking myself because at least then, I'd still have a job.
  
• Sad. I miss working where I was working. I liked it there and I didn't want to leave. This morning, I realized that everyone would be going back there to start off the new year, and here I am. Jobless and feeling crappy every day.
• Useless. I don't like not having a job. I don't like waking up every single morning without a schedule, and no end of that in sight. I don't like having to watch every penny we spend just in case it takes me forever and a day to get a job. I don't like having to think about the things we can sell if it takes me even longer to find a job.
• Worthless. I guess that's a word to describe it. Who has three interviews with no takers? Who? Me, that's who. And that is embarrassing. No one wants me to teach for them--what does that say about me? I really do feel like Worst Teacher Ever. It's like those that doubted me are now being proven right. It's like they can see every single one of my failures, everything I don't do perfect. I've been trying to counteract that with the thought that no, I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to try! Really! This whole experience makes me think that maybe I'm not meant to be a teacher. Maybe fate is trying to send me that message. I thought I was pretty good at what I did and was getting better every day. But, again, maybe I was just meant to enjoy those two years and then become like those thousands of other former teachers who quit within their first 5 years.

Whenever I have go through a hard time, I've always tried to remind myself that I go through it for a reason and that I'm supposed to learn something from it that I'll need later. I just don't get it, this time. I try and try to stay positive, and every day something new happens to make it that much harder. I keep telling myself that I haven't found that school yet, either. When I got the call from NPS, I got a feeling that I needed to go to VA and interview with them. When I met everyone there, I knew why I got that feeling. Recently, I haven't gotten any feeling of the sort. My intuition, my gut instinct? Gone. I feel restless, but lazy and tired. I feel frustrated, but I don't care enough anymore to do anything about it. I feel trapped. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and that's the scariest part of all of this.
I've liked Richmond so far, and I really have nothing against it, but I wish we had never moved away from my former job.

panic sets in

It's now August. August means only a few weeks until school. Three weeks until pre-service week. Four weeks until most schools start.

And I still have not heard from any of the places I've applied to. I've emailed. I gave my resume to someone that knows someone that works for Richmond's schools. I've heard nothing. Nothing!

I am now officially panicking. Yes. Full on panic. I've been telling myself that August will be The Month. The Month to Get the Job.
I don't care what job. I don't care where they send me, really. I'll make the best of it. I just. want. a. teaching. job. Please? Pretty please?
Then I start thinking: What if I did something wrong on my application? What if they don't think I'm qualified? I'm full of "What if".

(And the other part of my brain, not panicking and trying to be reasonable says: I'm sure I did everything okay on my application. I had all the info, all the references, but who knows? And on that note, if I don't get an interview or job because I screwed up on one small thing on the application, do I want to work for them anyway? Probably not. That's a small mistake on a mere formality, but it still bothers me. And about not being qualified: how is that possible? I don't know. I succeeded for 2 years already.)

The big "what if": What if I don't get a job? What happens?

Do I go back to working jobs I worked before I was a teacher? That's a scary thought. I didn't hate those jobs, but it's embarrassing and depressing to think that I go from being a teacher to a barista again.

I miss my students. I miss the other teachers. I miss being employed and having a paycheck and something to do.

What if I don't get a job? What if I don't hear at all? Crap. I am in full-on panic mode and every second, I'm staring at my phone, willing it to ring. This is horrible.

i love my students

Sometimes, you have too many easy going and good days and the Gods of Luck and Karma decide you need to have a reality check.
Thanks, guys.

It started off with forgetting to brush my teeth, but not realizing that until I'm halfway to school. Whatever, right? I have Altoids, I'll brush when I get home. It's a little icky feeling, but not the biggest thing ever.
Then. Then, then, then. It all started to fall apart. I get stuck in traffic right behind a horrible, huge, injury-filled injury & deadly accident. Not stuck for a little while, a long while. About an hour and a half long while. That sucked. I couldn't even continue on 64 East, I was told to turn around and go on 64 West. Thankfully, there was one exit before I would have to go back through the Bridge-Tunnel, so I got off there and drove through Norfolk to school.

Edited to add: I saw the news was reporting on this accident and the many others this morning due to the heavy fog. The article's pretty crazy to read, since I only heard the brief mentions of closures and back-ups (for good chunk of time, no one could get to the southside from the peninsula). The part that scared me? The accident ~.5 miles away from me happened less than 10 minutes before I got there. A driver going westbound crossed the median and hit a car going eastbound. The westbound driver died and the eastbound driver had injuries. Rebecca and I joked about how I was close enough to be in there--and it ended up being true! That was almost me. I prefer being stuck in traffic, not the accident itself. I hate commuting.

I got there with half an hour to spare in my 1st bell. Those kids were in the library, finishing up their research for their first day there. My amazing co-teaching had everyone and everything on lock. Thank god we talked about the research library day plans ahead of time. I took a few kids upstairs that had to do project presentations, got in touch with a kid (LaQuan, mentioned later) who was missing info from his Middle College application.
All of the rushing around and tension of the morning gave me the hugest headache. My 3rd bell study hall wanted to finish watching a movie we started last class. We did, but other people kept yelling over the movie. All the noise and chaos and everything that happened started to make me feel really overwhelmed and almost like a panic attack was starting. I finally had to stop the movie for a sec and tell them, "you talk or you watch, choose. My head's about to explode, so please, let's cut the noise in half." They chose to sit and watch the movie, thankfully.
My lunch this week has been chicken salad sandwiches with pita bread. I'd been leaving all the materials at school instead of lugging it back and forth. I pull out a piece of pita to make my sandwich at lunch and I look down and see ANTS. ALL OVER MY BREAD. I had to throw out everything because somehow ants had invaded the WHOLE BAG. Wow.
My 7th bell was supposed to go to the library like 1st bell did today. We get down there, only to realize in 10 minutes that they had not double-booked, but triple-booked English 10 classes. Ugh. My library dates for my 7th bell got moved to Monday and Wednesday next week and NOBODY LET ME KNOW. They all thought someone ELSE had already told me. Wow. It was kind of funny, because I almost cried in front of class when I asked them to not embarrass me in any way, shape, or form. My 7th bell has some of the "usual suspects" of the school, and kids who are generally apathetic and unfocused.
The amazing thing? This whole day, not one problem with my students. My kids were incredibly sweet. My 1st bell said "Mrs. P!! You're here! And ok!!", which was nice to hear when I finally got to the library. Kids in my 3rd bell were hilarious and Cleo and Vanessa visited when they finished their class work. Kids in my 5th bell are alway sweet, but today they were extra sweet (and kept their voices down). My 7th bell was pretty concerned, acted right, left notes on the board, started planning my "going away party", etc.
The most amazing, though, was LaQuan. LaQuan and I have had our ups and downs this year. But, throughout the year, he's become more and more academic, interactive, etc. to the point where he came up to me and declared, "I think I might go to college." To which I told him, "I think you'd love it." He's the kind of kid that acts out because he's bored in class. He's full of potential, he's creative, he's sarcastic (to the point of frustration, at times) and he's insightful and intelligent. Amy and I both have him--back to back, even-- and we've both pushed him to try out Middle College, where he'd be taking a combination of community college and H.S. classes. He's totally sold on the idea, ready to go, finished his application and turned it in. We're all working together to make sure he gets accepted. Today, he told me that he had a brilliant idea for his research paper: 3 leaders of World War II and he was EXCITED ABOUT IT (WHAT?!). During 7th bell, he'll usually come in to borrow a pencil for his class across the hall. He came back to give it back and I told him what happened in the library, because we were just laughing and talking about it in class. I had to go see Rebecca to see if I could get the mobile lab or computer lab. Nope-both gone. So, we're trying to figure out where we can go, etc. when LaQuan comes around the corner and says he asked Mr. W if he had any extra computers. Mr. W says he can take 5 kids, so I have LaQuan take 5 of my students. Wow. That was... just, wow. I was blown away by him taking the initiative and go to another one of his teachers with a computer lab and ask him that. Wow.

The plus side is that this "bad" day made me stop and realize how long it had been since I'd had a "bad" day. That's also pretty amazing. Now I'm going to go do something stupid or ridiculous or hilarious to get rid of this day.