Just as I'm getting used to my job...

So the state of Virginia has cut into education for the new budget. That's okay, I guess. Schools are pretty much used to it.
David tells me today that the House of Reps in VA is debating not approving the budget that Gov. Kaine proposed for political reasons and they're going to push to get rid of the small tax increases and instead cut MORE from education. Doesn't sound too bad unless you actually work for a small school district that's been hit hard like I do right now.
Last week, we were told by the administration and then in a letter from the Superintendent that our budget is bare bones. We are cutting after-school buses, summer school and a few other programs. No new textbooks are going to be ordered and we have to be diligent about getting the issued ones back. That's all so we don't lose any positions. That's with the proposed cuts in place and it's all "As far as we know..." and a feeling that nothing's solid just yet. If they're going to cut more from education, that means we're going to have to get rid of more. Since I'm new to this district, who do they get rid of first if they have to cut positions? Support staff? Janitorial? New teachers? Older, more experienced (and thus, more expensive) teachers? Ones with the grades? Ones who they've known?
It's a small place, where everyone knows everyone.... and I'm one of the new kids and, to be honest, a few teachers there do not like me already. So... should I be worried about my job? Even though we've been reassured, I've told them I'm coming back next year (screw spending money to apply to closer places when everyone is tightening up their budgets) and I'm hoping that I'll be able to, I'm still keeping the thought that I might be laid off in the back of my mind. Keep your fingers crossed, I guess.

have I reached the bottom yet?

A year ago, I was starting my second year teaching for a school I loved. I felt confident, I felt I had learned a lot my first year and I felt ready.
How do I feel now, a year later?

• Frustrated. I have no job, but I've had interviews. One was awkward and weird, another was a complete mischeduling mess and the third was somewhat okay, but I got the feeling they filled the position before my interview. I heard from someone that one district I had two separate interviews with doesn't even really care about filling open positions because they can save some money by starting off the year with subs, then finding someone later on. W.t.f.
• Regretful. Every day that I've had to wait for phone calls or someone to respond to an email, I've kicked myself multiple times for not doing this, that and the other thing. I figured that these school districts actually wanted me to teach for them because I attended their job fairs and impressed them there. HA! That's funny. Turns out, they're too big and crazy for their own good and I shouldn't have put so much faith in them. I don't know what they pay their HR people for, or even if they have actual human beings working in their HR department, because all I get is voicemail and emails that take about a week or so to get a reply. I also regret not keeping my NPS job just in case. It was crazy to think about while I was happily signing the form saying I was not returning because I was moving, but now I'm kicking myself because at least then, I'd still have a job.
  
• Sad. I miss working where I was working. I liked it there and I didn't want to leave. This morning, I realized that everyone would be going back there to start off the new year, and here I am. Jobless and feeling crappy every day.
• Useless. I don't like not having a job. I don't like waking up every single morning without a schedule, and no end of that in sight. I don't like having to watch every penny we spend just in case it takes me forever and a day to get a job. I don't like having to think about the things we can sell if it takes me even longer to find a job.
• Worthless. I guess that's a word to describe it. Who has three interviews with no takers? Who? Me, that's who. And that is embarrassing. No one wants me to teach for them--what does that say about me? I really do feel like Worst Teacher Ever. It's like those that doubted me are now being proven right. It's like they can see every single one of my failures, everything I don't do perfect. I've been trying to counteract that with the thought that no, I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to try! Really! This whole experience makes me think that maybe I'm not meant to be a teacher. Maybe fate is trying to send me that message. I thought I was pretty good at what I did and was getting better every day. But, again, maybe I was just meant to enjoy those two years and then become like those thousands of other former teachers who quit within their first 5 years.

Whenever I have go through a hard time, I've always tried to remind myself that I go through it for a reason and that I'm supposed to learn something from it that I'll need later. I just don't get it, this time. I try and try to stay positive, and every day something new happens to make it that much harder. I keep telling myself that I haven't found that school yet, either. When I got the call from NPS, I got a feeling that I needed to go to VA and interview with them. When I met everyone there, I knew why I got that feeling. Recently, I haven't gotten any feeling of the sort. My intuition, my gut instinct? Gone. I feel restless, but lazy and tired. I feel frustrated, but I don't care enough anymore to do anything about it. I feel trapped. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and that's the scariest part of all of this.
I've liked Richmond so far, and I really have nothing against it, but I wish we had never moved away from my former job.

panic sets in

It's now August. August means only a few weeks until school. Three weeks until pre-service week. Four weeks until most schools start.

And I still have not heard from any of the places I've applied to. I've emailed. I gave my resume to someone that knows someone that works for Richmond's schools. I've heard nothing. Nothing!

I am now officially panicking. Yes. Full on panic. I've been telling myself that August will be The Month. The Month to Get the Job.
I don't care what job. I don't care where they send me, really. I'll make the best of it. I just. want. a. teaching. job. Please? Pretty please?
Then I start thinking: What if I did something wrong on my application? What if they don't think I'm qualified? I'm full of "What if".

(And the other part of my brain, not panicking and trying to be reasonable says: I'm sure I did everything okay on my application. I had all the info, all the references, but who knows? And on that note, if I don't get an interview or job because I screwed up on one small thing on the application, do I want to work for them anyway? Probably not. That's a small mistake on a mere formality, but it still bothers me. And about not being qualified: how is that possible? I don't know. I succeeded for 2 years already.)

The big "what if": What if I don't get a job? What happens?

Do I go back to working jobs I worked before I was a teacher? That's a scary thought. I didn't hate those jobs, but it's embarrassing and depressing to think that I go from being a teacher to a barista again.

I miss my students. I miss the other teachers. I miss being employed and having a paycheck and something to do.

What if I don't get a job? What if I don't hear at all? Crap. I am in full-on panic mode and every second, I'm staring at my phone, willing it to ring. This is horrible.