have I reached the bottom yet?

A year ago, I was starting my second year teaching for a school I loved. I felt confident, I felt I had learned a lot my first year and I felt ready.
How do I feel now, a year later?

• Frustrated. I have no job, but I've had interviews. One was awkward and weird, another was a complete mischeduling mess and the third was somewhat okay, but I got the feeling they filled the position before my interview. I heard from someone that one district I had two separate interviews with doesn't even really care about filling open positions because they can save some money by starting off the year with subs, then finding someone later on. W.t.f.
• Regretful. Every day that I've had to wait for phone calls or someone to respond to an email, I've kicked myself multiple times for not doing this, that and the other thing. I figured that these school districts actually wanted me to teach for them because I attended their job fairs and impressed them there. HA! That's funny. Turns out, they're too big and crazy for their own good and I shouldn't have put so much faith in them. I don't know what they pay their HR people for, or even if they have actual human beings working in their HR department, because all I get is voicemail and emails that take about a week or so to get a reply. I also regret not keeping my NPS job just in case. It was crazy to think about while I was happily signing the form saying I was not returning because I was moving, but now I'm kicking myself because at least then, I'd still have a job.
  
• Sad. I miss working where I was working. I liked it there and I didn't want to leave. This morning, I realized that everyone would be going back there to start off the new year, and here I am. Jobless and feeling crappy every day.
• Useless. I don't like not having a job. I don't like waking up every single morning without a schedule, and no end of that in sight. I don't like having to watch every penny we spend just in case it takes me forever and a day to get a job. I don't like having to think about the things we can sell if it takes me even longer to find a job.
• Worthless. I guess that's a word to describe it. Who has three interviews with no takers? Who? Me, that's who. And that is embarrassing. No one wants me to teach for them--what does that say about me? I really do feel like Worst Teacher Ever. It's like those that doubted me are now being proven right. It's like they can see every single one of my failures, everything I don't do perfect. I've been trying to counteract that with the thought that no, I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to try! Really! This whole experience makes me think that maybe I'm not meant to be a teacher. Maybe fate is trying to send me that message. I thought I was pretty good at what I did and was getting better every day. But, again, maybe I was just meant to enjoy those two years and then become like those thousands of other former teachers who quit within their first 5 years.

Whenever I have go through a hard time, I've always tried to remind myself that I go through it for a reason and that I'm supposed to learn something from it that I'll need later. I just don't get it, this time. I try and try to stay positive, and every day something new happens to make it that much harder. I keep telling myself that I haven't found that school yet, either. When I got the call from NPS, I got a feeling that I needed to go to VA and interview with them. When I met everyone there, I knew why I got that feeling. Recently, I haven't gotten any feeling of the sort. My intuition, my gut instinct? Gone. I feel restless, but lazy and tired. I feel frustrated, but I don't care enough anymore to do anything about it. I feel trapped. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and that's the scariest part of all of this.
I've liked Richmond so far, and I really have nothing against it, but I wish we had never moved away from my former job.

job update

Interview #1: Got the feeling they didn't really want me.
Interview #2: What a mess. Scheduling misunderstanding and just... a mess.
Interview #3: I liked the school, the people, the philosophy, and I think I did pretty good. Still haven't heard back, though.

Today I called the HS a few blocks from our house. Left a message and the secretary for the principal said she'd call me back.

So... now I'm back to waiting and hoping. Great.

you were right

Remember how I was freaking out?
Well. Yeah. You were all right.
I have been called and emailed (FINALLY!). I have my preferences (HS>MS, less than 10 mi commute>30 mi commute) and I now have to figure out how to handle the more-than-one-interview situation, but I am no longer waiting to hear whether or not there are jobs. Yay!
I really suck at interviews, but hopefully I'll have at least one principal that wants me to work with them.

panic sets in

It's now August. August means only a few weeks until school. Three weeks until pre-service week. Four weeks until most schools start.

And I still have not heard from any of the places I've applied to. I've emailed. I gave my resume to someone that knows someone that works for Richmond's schools. I've heard nothing. Nothing!

I am now officially panicking. Yes. Full on panic. I've been telling myself that August will be The Month. The Month to Get the Job.
I don't care what job. I don't care where they send me, really. I'll make the best of it. I just. want. a. teaching. job. Please? Pretty please?
Then I start thinking: What if I did something wrong on my application? What if they don't think I'm qualified? I'm full of "What if".

(And the other part of my brain, not panicking and trying to be reasonable says: I'm sure I did everything okay on my application. I had all the info, all the references, but who knows? And on that note, if I don't get an interview or job because I screwed up on one small thing on the application, do I want to work for them anyway? Probably not. That's a small mistake on a mere formality, but it still bothers me. And about not being qualified: how is that possible? I don't know. I succeeded for 2 years already.)

The big "what if": What if I don't get a job? What happens?

Do I go back to working jobs I worked before I was a teacher? That's a scary thought. I didn't hate those jobs, but it's embarrassing and depressing to think that I go from being a teacher to a barista again.

I miss my students. I miss the other teachers. I miss being employed and having a paycheck and something to do.

What if I don't get a job? What if I don't hear at all? Crap. I am in full-on panic mode and every second, I'm staring at my phone, willing it to ring. This is horrible.

first few days

So, we've moved 98% of our stuff to Richmond. We still need to go back to pick up some small stuff and clean the apartment. We still need to buy and install some shelves for the bathroom and the kitchen. We're waiting on our sofa and wardrobe (for me) to be delivered. Whew. Moving is awesome and crappy at the same time. It's settling down now, though. I still need a job... (that "..." is a hint to keep me in your thoughts/prayers/positive chi/energy to envision me getting an amazing teaching job, ok? Please? When I asked people to do that before we moved to VA, it worked out great! Do it again, okay? Thanks.) Yeah, that whole not having a set job thing is kiiiiind of making me anxious. Not all the time, but I do have moments where I stop and start thinking "OH NO! YOU HAVE NO JOB! NOOOO JOB AT ALL!" and then I miss GHS, my colleagues and my students.... and the security of knowing where I'm going to be teaching next year. This is the point in the summer where all the negative memories go away, I start to remember all the good things and I start to miss all my crazy students and their energy.
Aaaanyway, I love our new apartment. It's smaller, but the space has a lot of potential. It reminds me of friends' apartments back in Kzoo and what we wanted our Davis St. apartment to be like. I have some pictures of the mess we have going on right now, but I'm lazy because today is the first day in about a week that I haven't had to run around from sun up to sun down.
Speaking of Kzoo, Rocket Star is closing on the 13th and the last show is tomorrow. If you are still there, go! I'm sad to see it close and sad not to be able to go one last time, but I know that something else will pop up- Kzoo always does that.

I have a lot of good memories there, so it makes me a little sad to see it go.
Oh and P.S.: I hate all y'all for getting me hooked on John and Kate Plus 8. I hate you. Really. But at the same time: I thank you. Also, I got D hooked. HA!

movin' on up?

So, the big news in our world is that David received and accepted a job offer in Richmond. You'll have to ask him the specifics of what exactly he'll be doing, because I have an idea, but don't want to get it wrong.
The past week or so, I've been slowly getting together the paperwork, letters, references, student work, etc. to start the whole interview process again. I have one job fair tomorrow, another on the 22nd. I'm not sure what to expect, but it'll give me an idea of what is in the area. Hopefully, I'll have a job before the end of June. That'd be nice.
People at school aren't happy. Rebecca wrote me an amazing letter, but was hoping I wouldn't go. Teachers I'm close with and students were both a little sad and told me I couldn't leave. One of the students I've very close with, Billy, asked me if I was joking, then looked like he wanted to cry and slap and/or punch me in the face. Haha. This morning, I said good morning to the principal. He called me back and told me, "Tell your man he needs to find a job in this city." It's nice feeling like I was a part of this school. I was worried that I'd tell people and they'd shrug their shoulders. It's a kind of area that has people moving in and out all the time, so I was sure that they'd be used to people coming and going. It's nice to feel like I'm wanted there because I bring something unique and special, though. Sometimes, I think, it's easy to not feel that way in such a big school.
Some of my students said they want to do a going away thing at the end of the school year, but a) that probably won't happen and b) I'm not sure if that's what I want to do. I'm so bad with this type of thing. Do I want to go out in that style? A big, tear-filled party? Or do I want to just fade away?

I'm sad I have to leave the school I'm at now, mostly because I really loved my time there. I'm afraid that I won't be able to find a school where I feel like I really agree with so much of what goes on there. What if I get hired on in a district I don't agree with? Or with other teachers I don't like? What if the students are completely different? Then I remember that we'll at least be out of this area, David will have a job, and I've been through worse, so I will survive anything. Even though I have to leave my school, the pros still outweigh the cons.