have I reached the bottom yet?

A year ago, I was starting my second year teaching for a school I loved. I felt confident, I felt I had learned a lot my first year and I felt ready.
How do I feel now, a year later?

• Frustrated. I have no job, but I've had interviews. One was awkward and weird, another was a complete mischeduling mess and the third was somewhat okay, but I got the feeling they filled the position before my interview. I heard from someone that one district I had two separate interviews with doesn't even really care about filling open positions because they can save some money by starting off the year with subs, then finding someone later on. W.t.f.
• Regretful. Every day that I've had to wait for phone calls or someone to respond to an email, I've kicked myself multiple times for not doing this, that and the other thing. I figured that these school districts actually wanted me to teach for them because I attended their job fairs and impressed them there. HA! That's funny. Turns out, they're too big and crazy for their own good and I shouldn't have put so much faith in them. I don't know what they pay their HR people for, or even if they have actual human beings working in their HR department, because all I get is voicemail and emails that take about a week or so to get a reply. I also regret not keeping my NPS job just in case. It was crazy to think about while I was happily signing the form saying I was not returning because I was moving, but now I'm kicking myself because at least then, I'd still have a job.
  
• Sad. I miss working where I was working. I liked it there and I didn't want to leave. This morning, I realized that everyone would be going back there to start off the new year, and here I am. Jobless and feeling crappy every day.
• Useless. I don't like not having a job. I don't like waking up every single morning without a schedule, and no end of that in sight. I don't like having to watch every penny we spend just in case it takes me forever and a day to get a job. I don't like having to think about the things we can sell if it takes me even longer to find a job.
• Worthless. I guess that's a word to describe it. Who has three interviews with no takers? Who? Me, that's who. And that is embarrassing. No one wants me to teach for them--what does that say about me? I really do feel like Worst Teacher Ever. It's like those that doubted me are now being proven right. It's like they can see every single one of my failures, everything I don't do perfect. I've been trying to counteract that with the thought that no, I'm not perfect, but I'm willing to try! Really! This whole experience makes me think that maybe I'm not meant to be a teacher. Maybe fate is trying to send me that message. I thought I was pretty good at what I did and was getting better every day. But, again, maybe I was just meant to enjoy those two years and then become like those thousands of other former teachers who quit within their first 5 years.

Whenever I have go through a hard time, I've always tried to remind myself that I go through it for a reason and that I'm supposed to learn something from it that I'll need later. I just don't get it, this time. I try and try to stay positive, and every day something new happens to make it that much harder. I keep telling myself that I haven't found that school yet, either. When I got the call from NPS, I got a feeling that I needed to go to VA and interview with them. When I met everyone there, I knew why I got that feeling. Recently, I haven't gotten any feeling of the sort. My intuition, my gut instinct? Gone. I feel restless, but lazy and tired. I feel frustrated, but I don't care enough anymore to do anything about it. I feel trapped. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and that's the scariest part of all of this.
I've liked Richmond so far, and I really have nothing against it, but I wish we had never moved away from my former job.

recipe time!

One positive of having so much time to spend at home and wanting to save money is that I get to finally try out some recipes. I made this one tonight and it was incredibly tasty and easy (once I got used to folding the pie crust over). I know many people that would enjoy this dish as well, so I figured I'd put something that wasn't job related or me whining about not having a job on the ol' blog. I got this recipe out of this aaaaaamazing little magazine I picked up. David and I can usually come up with suggestions to change the recipe to make it better, but we couldn't really come up with anything.

Cheesy Corn and Chicken Turnovers
(Makes 8 turnovers)

2 cups chopped cooked chicken (about 2 chicken boneless breasts)
1 11 oz. can whole kernel corn with sweet peppers, drained
1 10.75 oz. can condensed cream of chicken and herbs soup
1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese (4 oz)
1 15 oz. package rolled refrigerated unbaked pie crusts (2 crusts)

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. In a medium sized bowl, mix together chicken, corn, soup and cheese.
2. Unfold pie crusts and place on a lightly floured surface. Roll each pie crust into a 13" circle, then cut into quarters. Spoon between 1/3 and 1/2 cup of chicken mixture along one straight side of each triangle, about 3/4" from edge. Brush edges with water & fold other straight side over. Seal, fold, do whatever you like to try and keep it closed. Prick pastry several times with a fork. Repeat with remainin pastry and filling, then place on a large baking sheet (or two small-medium ones, if your oven is tiny like mine).
3. Recipe says to bake 15 minutes, but mine took about 25-30 minutes to get brown around the edges and the crust baked enough to eat. Serve hot to warm.

The toughest part of this recipe is getting the hang of closing up the crust in a way that doesn't rip or tear the crust or make it become a totally different shape. We had two that had wonky crusts and became really strange looking turnovers, but they were still as delicious as the others. Oh! And make sure you put a good mixture in the turnover, I got one that was a lot of chicken and not so much of everything else.

job update

Interview #1: Got the feeling they didn't really want me.
Interview #2: What a mess. Scheduling misunderstanding and just... a mess.
Interview #3: I liked the school, the people, the philosophy, and I think I did pretty good. Still haven't heard back, though.

Today I called the HS a few blocks from our house. Left a message and the secretary for the principal said she'd call me back.

So... now I'm back to waiting and hoping. Great.

you were right

Remember how I was freaking out?
Well. Yeah. You were all right.
I have been called and emailed (FINALLY!). I have my preferences (HS>MS, less than 10 mi commute>30 mi commute) and I now have to figure out how to handle the more-than-one-interview situation, but I am no longer waiting to hear whether or not there are jobs. Yay!
I really suck at interviews, but hopefully I'll have at least one principal that wants me to work with them.

panic sets in

It's now August. August means only a few weeks until school. Three weeks until pre-service week. Four weeks until most schools start.

And I still have not heard from any of the places I've applied to. I've emailed. I gave my resume to someone that knows someone that works for Richmond's schools. I've heard nothing. Nothing!

I am now officially panicking. Yes. Full on panic. I've been telling myself that August will be The Month. The Month to Get the Job.
I don't care what job. I don't care where they send me, really. I'll make the best of it. I just. want. a. teaching. job. Please? Pretty please?
Then I start thinking: What if I did something wrong on my application? What if they don't think I'm qualified? I'm full of "What if".

(And the other part of my brain, not panicking and trying to be reasonable says: I'm sure I did everything okay on my application. I had all the info, all the references, but who knows? And on that note, if I don't get an interview or job because I screwed up on one small thing on the application, do I want to work for them anyway? Probably not. That's a small mistake on a mere formality, but it still bothers me. And about not being qualified: how is that possible? I don't know. I succeeded for 2 years already.)

The big "what if": What if I don't get a job? What happens?

Do I go back to working jobs I worked before I was a teacher? That's a scary thought. I didn't hate those jobs, but it's embarrassing and depressing to think that I go from being a teacher to a barista again.

I miss my students. I miss the other teachers. I miss being employed and having a paycheck and something to do.

What if I don't get a job? What if I don't hear at all? Crap. I am in full-on panic mode and every second, I'm staring at my phone, willing it to ring. This is horrible.